Guilt

Well, I have threatened previously to start blogging - here I go!!!

My first blog is going to be about something that has been weighing on me - Guilt. It seems like I am an expert in this area lately.

Let me first say that guilt is not from God. This is something that man has taken and abused for thousands of years. What I am trying to say is the free will God gives us is not always good for us. It would be SO much simpler if the only feeling we ever had was love. God is love and I want to feel this ALL of the time. However, until I leave this world, I must deal with the range of emotions that we humans feel.

My guilt actually started very early in life. Many of my friends know that I am a recovering Catholic. Now, to anyone who reads this and follow the Catholic religion, I apologize. I am not judging or putting down anyone. I am relating my experiences only. I was taught about God by fear and guilt. We were to fear God! Judgement was always around the corner. Tell me what 6 year old doesn't make mistakes. So with that fear firmly entrenched in me, the guilt just oozed throughout my body. I even went to Catholic school for a couple of years. One of the worst beatings I ever got was from a nun! I made the mistake of talking in her classroom!

My guilt continued during my childhood, I was abused by my father - verbally, physically, and sexually. Every time this happened, I felt a tremendous rush of guilt. It was my fault and I guess I have to pay for this. Did I do some stupid things as a kid? You bet! But nothing that deserved being beaten by electrical cords, made to hold matches until they burned my fingers, or the multitude of other things that happened. The guilt I felt continued to build up inside of me.

I felt guilty when my father divorced my step-mother. I felt like I had something to do with that. In fact, it had nothing to do with me at all. However, that was never told to me. I knew my step-mother loved me. She had to to keep me around and not send me to my father. I certainly appreciated that!

I felt guilty that we struggled as a family. Once my father left, he was ordered to pay $60 per month for 6 kids as child support! Really? $60 per month? And then I found out later that he decided he didn't have to pay! So my step-mother held down multiple jobs to make sure we were taken care of - fed and clothed. I was the adult that took care of my brothers and sister. And believe or not, I felt guilty when I wasn't there to help my step-mother! I was relieved to have a break but felt guilty because I wasn't doing enough!

I joined the Air Force and left in September of 1977. Guilt! I was again happy to get out of there but I felt guilty! I was leaving my brothers and sister behind. I wanted to take them with me! I found out later in life my sister really resented me leaving. I was her protector. Imagine how I felt when I heard that! She didn't mean anything by it - she just wanted to tell me how much she loved me! My sister is an amazing person who I will write about later!!!

In my adult life, I have MANY things to feel guilty about. Let's start with marriage. I have been married 4 times to 4 amazing women! I cannot express in words the greatness in each of these ladies. I knew NOTHING about marriage except that when things go bad - RUN! So when that happened, I did just that. I ran and never looked back. My first 3 marriages were not for the right reasons. Did I love these women? Yes, in my way. But marriage should not be in our way - it MUST be in God's way! We must love our wife as Christ loves the Church! I realize and understand that - NOW! I had no clue previously. My counselor said to me last night that I should not look upon my first 3 marriages as failed because I am working on this one and I have not given up. I agree - logically!

I have the 2 best sons that a man could ever ask for!!! Ryan and Erik are exactly what I would ask for from God if I could. I love my sons more than anything on this earth! They are both tremendous young men who were raised by a tremendous mother. I have so much guilt in me when it comes to my sons. I missed their entire childhood. I missed helping them with homework, throwing a baseball with them, coaching them, mentoring them, and most of all just being there for them. I know my sons love me and I truly pray that they have forgiven me for what I did.

Lastly, I have guilt when it comes to God. Sounds strange, doesn't it? I live in a black and white world - it's either an A or a F. I succeeded or failed! My counselor is trying to get me away from that. I have deep rooted abandonment issues, as well as confidence issues. As much as I like to think I am an outgoing, confident person, I really am a shy, doubtful person. I know God is Holy. I know God is in me. Does that make me Holy? It is supposed to but that's not how I feel. I'm not sure how I feel but it i not Holy. I am a Christian and Jesus died to save me (and you). My logical brain is at odds with my feelings.

I continue to work through these issues with a loving, supportive wife, a wise counselor, and many friends who continually build me up. This is a marathon, not a sprint. Day by day I work to rid myself of these feelings. I pray to God that He continues to do His good work in me and bring me closer to Him.

I also pray for each of you that have these feelings as well. I can honestly say I know how you feel. My prayer is that we all will allow these destructive feelings to melt away and be taken into God's loving arms forever!!!

I hope to continue to write about events in my life and share these with all of you. I realize I am not the only one out there that bad things have happened to and if I can reach one person and try to help them, then thank you Lord! Please join me in this journey and comment. God Bless all of you.